The Soldier Next Door

…Ana POV…

As my entire world comes crashing down in one ball of fire, I make my way bursting through the crowds that seem to have only but grown in the past five minutes. It feels like I am suffocating; I am slowly choking on the very breath that is supposed to keep me alive.Please check at N/ôvel(D)rama.Org.

I am dying inside, and god, it fucking hurts.

I let my guard down for only one second.

I am drowning in a pool of my own tears that is making their way down cheeks that are still burning from the rage that took over my body only but moments ago. I have never lost it like that before, I don’t know what the fuck happened, but all I can say for sure is that not only did I scare the shit out of myself, but I did out of Ethan too.

And it is that very Ethan that I hear short on my heels call out for me, “Ana, wait!”

But there is no waiting; it is not that I don’t want to hear what he has got to say; I am so scared of what I might do to him. Until today, I know I have never harmed, but I have never lost my shit so bad that I attacked someone.

So, against my better judgment, as I find myself lost between all the cars, I turn around and face Ethan that has finally caught up to me.

“Ethan,” I start to plead with him, “Please, this is not the time. Not now. I can’t do this with you now.”

“No,” I hear him raise his voice, “I am not going anywhere until you tell me what the fuck happened in there?”

“Ethan, you don’t,” the tears come crashing down even harder than they did before, “Ethan, believe me, that you don’t need this in your life.” Completely beyond my control, I step closer to him and beg for the comfort that I know his arms will bring to me. “Ethan, it is best that you just walk away.”

“No, Ana. What the fuck happened in there?”

“I can’t.” I finally pull away from him again. “I can’t do this. Not now.”

I watch him as he starts to scuffle away from me while he looks up at the skies. “Ana, I cannot lose you. Tell me what is going on with you.”

“I can’t Ethan,” Then I pause for a moment before I say something I know I would not want to do, yet, “I cannot lose myself like I did in there. I cannot go back…”

As I immediately stop from saying another word, I can see him lift his brows with nothing but question in his eyes, “Go back where?”

“That is not important. I am going say this only once, for if I have to ever repeat it again, I think my heart will simply slice open in pieces.” I gently take his hand and rest it softly against my cheek; as I lay a gentle kiss against his palm, I softly, almost nearly to a silence, whisper to him, “I love you, Ethan.”

And if it thought that the noise from the crowd inside would have drowned my words, I am so sadly mistaken, for there is that goddamn gorgeous smile that is playing so freely at the corners of his mouth, and god, what a mouth I would love to take right now. But I am losing focus on what is supposed.

“Ethan, I am sorry for what happened in there. I was… Fuck! I was so pissed at you. I did not want to hurt you; I had to find a way to get that pain out of my tormented heart. I could not keep her away. I tried to fight her the best I could.”

He looks at me with his head slightly cocked to the right side, and as he clears his throat, he tries to reach out for me again. “Who are you talking about?”

Do I tell him? Do I tell him that I have another person inside me that brews in here, waiting for the perfect moment to strike? She is the demon that brings depths of the deepest darkness inside awake in me. She chews at my mind and pounds at my heart, crippling me with nothing but fear. She sits and waits for anger to erupt; it is what she feeds on; it is what makes her alive. The more she gets what she needs, the more I lose the pieces that are the real part of me.

Do I want Ethan to know that I am a monster?

That I am crazy?

No.

So with all these thoughts eaten at my heart, I look at him, “I guess I lied, I am going to say it again. I love you.”

“Boo, please. We can work this through. I will do anything to keep you from turning your back and walking away.”

“Anything? Will you stop cheating?”

“Boo, I am not cheating on you. I told you that it is Gibbs’s girlfriend. I beg you, god, I will go down in the mud and cry these goddamn tears that are threatening to erupt.”

With that, he pulls me back into his embrace. Beyond my control, yet though with every desire, I lock my arms around his neck and run my finger through his hair. There is a soft moan that escapes his lips as he starts to nuzzle my neck with soft kisses. But they only last for a brief moment, for his lips seek mine, and as our breaths mingle, he pulls me further into his chest and starts to kiss me with so much raw passion.

As he kisses me, my brain lights on fire, and the warmth spreads throughout my entire body. With only but a whimpers breath, “God, Ethan. I am so sorry.”

Then he pulls away from me for only but a brief while and looks deep into my eyes, “Ana, I need for you to tell me what is going on. I have never seen you get so mad in all the time that we have been together. Ya, there is the occasional lamp or cup that comes flying past, but boo, you hit that woman for no reason at all.”

“Ethan, I… I promise you that I am okay. I was just so mad seeing you with another woman.”

“Ana, you are not telling me the truth. I know when you are hiding something from me, and right now, you are hiding a whole damn lot.”

With that, I pull away completely from his embrace and step back to meet his eyes again, “Ethan, there is nothing to say.”

Then out of pure frustration, I hear as he starts to raise his voice at me, “Ana, you are fucking lying to me. Our child is coming home tomorrow, and I cannot have you throwing goddamn chairs around. You either tell me what the fuck…”

“Or what the fuck what? Do not test my patience, Ethan.”

“Yes, because we both know that it appears to be something that you do not have. Now you either tell me or go the fuck home and think about what you had done here tonight.” He pauses for a brief moment as he glances over to where Ray is busy cleaning up my mess. Then he continues, “You did not only embarrass yourself, but you embarrassed me. What the fuck must these people think about you and our marriage?”

“I don’t give a fuck what other people think, Ethan. In fact, I do not give a fuck what you think either.”

He only snaps at me as he shakes his head, “Oh, that is really mature, Ana. Now I am not asking you to tell me what the fuck is wrong with you, and do not give me the bullshit that you are upset that you saw me with another woman when you know that I will not fucking cheat on you.”

“And like I told you, Ethan, there is nothing wrong with me.”

“Yes, and I am supposed to believe that,” then he takes my hands in his, “Why are you shaking like this then. I can see that look in your eyes slowly starting to build from the darkness that you seem to have within you. What are you hiding from me?”

And that is me.

Before I can stop myself, I lift the flat of my hand to his face and slap him with such force that his head snaps to the left. The moment he utters, “What the fuck, Ana.” I know that I have stepped over that line again.

With great disappointment in his eyes, he only but shakes his head at me, “Please go home; I do not want to be around you right now. And count on me sleeping in the guest room. If you cannot be mature and tell me what your problem is so that I can help you, then I quite frankly do not want to be anywhere near you for god, I have never lifted a hand to you, but to you, it seems to come so easily.” And as he turns away and walks off, he looks over his shoulder for the last time, “I don’t know who you are, Ana, but I hope you sort that out before Lucas comes home tomorrow.”

Then he disappears between the crowd, leaving me with a heart that is raging out of control, yet a mind that tells me to rather go back home than chase after him and tell him exactly where the fuck to get off.

I have really fucked up this time.