SILENT DESIRES

Savannah wasn’t quite sure what to make of this as she paced a safe distance from the restaurant, trying to leave herself out if she needed to save face and just disappear. A sinkhole might have been better, but she couldn’t conjure one at will. Running away in shame, though, she was familiar with-so she skulked three storefronts from the entrance.

They had agreed to meet at the restaurant by seven thirty and it was a few minutes to eight. A few minutes normally meant nothing in terms of the wheel of life. But right now each second felt like torture and those tortures were adding up to to one big ball of fear. And it all rested right in her gut where desire should be right now, where happiness should be right now, where joy and, well-not quite love, but at least lust should be residing. Not this pit of despair.

It’s only a few minutes Savannah , it’s only seven minutes Savannah, she said repeatedly to herself. She was overthinking this.

The seconds ticked on until her smartphone clicked over and now it was ten minutes to eight. Just ten minutes. It’s only ten minutes Savannah, it’s only eight minutes Savannah, it’s only eight minutes. It had turned into a song in her head.

A thin bead of sweat burst under her lip, and on her cheeks, and in that valley between her breasts in a way that only the cold irrational anxiety of dating could bring out in her.

Oh, fuck this, she said to herself. I don’t think I can do this anymore, even Mr. Hotty Hot Hot Matt Bradford isn’t worth this. I’m just gonna go home and have a date with one of my friends, or maybe curl up in bed with a book. That is my comfort zone, right there baby. Maybe the most dependable thing on Earth because this, this is bullsh-.

Zzzz, her phone buzzed suddenly. She had it on vibrate and she startled and it fell out of her hands, clattering to the ground.

“Shit,” she shouted, reaching down, scrambling after it and hoping that the screen hadn’t broken. Luckily, she had a protective case on it, and grabbed it and slid her finger across the screen to answer the call.

“Hello? Hello?” she said, trying desperately to keep her eagerness out of her voice.

“Hello,” a deep man’s baritone greeted her, with a friendliness that he had no right to offer her right now- yet she was so glad he did. It was Matt.

“Uh,” he hesitated, “Savvie?”

“Yeah. Yeah, Hi Matt” she answered brightly, her voice a little too high-pitched, her anxiety a little too intense right now, but she trudged on.

“Oh, yeah, Hi Savvie?” his voice stammered. “Yeah, Savvie. I am so sorry,” he said, and she hoped that the sincerity was true. Hoped it was true, needed it to be true with a part of her that knew… that knew that there was no way of knowing.

“I’m so sorry.” Matt continued.” I’m running late. I am walking down Oxford Street right now, and, in fact, I can see the entrance to the restaurant and, wait a minute, ooh, I don’t know.” A low wolf whistle. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it.”

“What? What? What did you say?” Savannah asked.

“Well, yeah,” Matt continued. “There is this gorgeous woman just standing out there and, and I don’t know, I mean, I think, let’s see, she’s wearing this amazing beautiful green dress, she has a damn fine shape and her legs seem to go on forever. And, I don’t know, you know, Savannah, I may have to date her tonight instead of you.”

Savannah nearly dropped her phone again. Oh, my God, her brain burned, her internal voice screaming like a rat stuck in a cage with Napalm all over it and lit on fire. What kind of sick person did something like that?

And then she got it, calming down instantly. Oh, oh, he was complimenting her. He was joking. He liked her. Who the hell was this guy? He had messed with her head. She almost laughed.

Now she could see him. Deep breaths, Savannah , she told herself. He was joking around. Being playful. Not mean. He was a block and a half away, walking toward her with a swagger, with a confidence she didn’t see in many men. One hand in his pocket, just marching down the street like he had all the time in the world. And boy, were his eyes eating her up. She could feel it from a block and a half, a block and a quarter away.

And she was giving it right back.

Her heart was beating a million times a minute from the fear about his joke, and the anxiety that the joke had triggered. But now-but now it was like the electrons were playing between them. Molecules were flying millions and millions of miles a second between the two of them.

She wasn’t sure what she was going to do when they actually stood two feet from each other, because she was ready to take him right there, right then on the street, public indecency be damned.

Pretty soon, just seconds later, he was down to a block, half a block, and he took his hand out of his pocket, giving her a wave.

Then she realized that he had been talking to her the entire time and she had no idea what he was saying.

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“Savvie? Savvie? Hello, hello-are you there? I can see you and you’re just standing there. I am waving at you right now… Savvie, have I mistaken you for a human being or are you a really hot store mannequin?”

He heard her laugh. Aha.

Keep going, Matt told himself. Recover from the terrible joke.

“Or part of some performance thing that guys like me don’t understand? Because I really don’t understand the silence. I’m getting a little bit freaked out” he said.

She suddenly folded and bent over laughing. He breathed a sigh of relief. Sweet! He thought. Good thing he hadn’t pissed her off with that stupid joke from hell.