Leave Me Behind

I lie on my stomach and look through my scope to the valley below. There’s movement. I patiently wait, my camouflage cover heavy on my head. My neck started hurting thirty minutes ago, but I don’t want to readjust in case I miss something critical.

Bodies shift into view below and I verify that it’s the hostile squad.

“Four armed men,” I say in a low voice.

Ian clicks on his radio and mutters the information and the coordinates to Eren. We remain still until we hear back from him.

The radio clicks and Eren’s voice comes through with a small amount of static. “Stand down. We’ll track them on foot tomorrow. Regroup at home base. Over.”

The home base is made up of our shitty underbrush posts and a camouflage tent we were able to establish behind it. The first few days haven’t been so bad, but the night watch sucks. I forgot how tired it makes you. Bradshaw hasn’t uttered a word to me since our first night. It’s awkward, but I think I like it better than the mean shit that comes out of his mouth. My legs ache and my eyelids are heavy, but I can’t let it affect my performance.

“Fuck. All right, well, I guess we better head back then,” Ian says. His black hair is still slicked back neatly, regardless of the paint and mud on his face. His cheeks are covered in dirt, as are mine.

I nod and start packing up my camouflage cover and unloading my sniper. He watches me in silence and I prefer it. There hasn’t been much team bonding so far, even though Eren has strongly encouraged it. Everyone’s been pretty quiet and when there is connecting, it’s between them, not me. Even Bradshaw seems more at ease when he’s speaking with them. Though, he doesn’t speak much at all to anyone. I found him sitting alone with his head hung low this morning, reading a book and leaning against a tree. Meanwhile, his brother is the complete opposite. Eren smiles more than he doesn’t and makes it a point to speak with everyone a few times during the days.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a manipulation ploy or not. No one smiles that much.

I’ve been able to piece together some things. One of them is that none of our squadmates knows that Bones is Eren’s twin. At first, I wasn’t sure how they couldn’t tell, but the two of them don’t act like brothers while on duty and the difference in the shade of blue in their eyes makes them look unrelated. Add in Bradshaw’s scars and his mask and no one suspects a thing.

“What did you do to get into the dark ops?” Ian breaks the silence. I glance up at him briefly before continuing to put equipment into my backpack. Everyone does something unspeakable to get noticed by the underground.

“How does anyone get in?” I retort. He knows as well as I do. Only bad people get recruited.

“Tell me what you did,” he says firmly, as if this is an interrogation and I’m in the hot seat.

I stand with my gear and rifle strapped to my back. Ian studies my expression with grim eyes. It’s no use; he won’t get anything from it.

It doesn’t hurt to tell him and I know he’ll relay anything he learns about me to the others. They should know too.

“I killed a few bad people.” Horrifically. Borderline animalistically. “I’m useless in the real world.”

His eyes widen and he cackles. “Useless? I wouldn’t exactly say that.” I think that might be an accidental compliment.

I nod. “Useless in every other sense besides killing.” His jaw flexes at that. Did he think they’d put a softie on their squad? “I was recruited because there’s darkness in me and this is the only place I belong until I’m eventually killed too.”

“Damn, Bunny. So depressing. How many people have you executed? I heard Riøt had a long list before you guys were wiped out. So, how many?” he asks as we casually start making our way back to the base.

I give him a confused look. “Are we supposed to keep track of that?”

He blows out a breath and shakes his head. “Damn, you’re a cold bitch.”

Yeah, and it’s better that you know it now. I look up at the treetops ahead. I think of Bradshaw’s pained eyes when he spoke of his prior second.

“What was his name?” I ask after a moment of silence. “Achilles, what was his real name?”

Ian swallows but blinks past the hesitance of telling me.

“Abrahm.” Ian says his name softly, with respect. “His code name was Achilles, but we often just called him Abrahm.” I raise my brow but Ian isn’t looking at me. He’s focused on the pine-tree-thick hills ahead, in a trance of sorts.

“How long was he a part of the squad?” I pry.

“Five years… and you can’t replace him. So, try if you want, but you’ll never be able to fill his boots,” he says venomously. I blink slowly, unbothered by his statement.

“Already filled, Colt.” I keep my expression impassive. The rage that flashes across his gaze is quiet but promises punishment.

His animosity is hard to ignore, but I manage.

What I can’t seem to ignore so easily is the team bonding activity Eren has planned out for our evening.

I get paired up with Bradshaw. His black hair is slicked back with sweat from the afternoon exercises and his jaw is set with anything but contentment at our matchup. I couldn’t agree more. Aren’t we forced together enough as it is?

Eren has it out for us.

Both of our arms remain firmly crossed while the rest of our squad mates have amused smirks. Bradshaw’s face is unreadable beneath his mask, but the creases of the black fabric don’t look like a grin to me.

Eren stands before the six of us with his arms behind his back. “Malum, today we’re working on team bonding,” he says bluntly, staring at me specifically. “You’re tasked with reaching the destination marked on your map by nightfall. The path on your maps must be followed to the T, regardless of the obstacles. Both you and your partner need to arrive together, or you fail. Those who fail will be on night watch for the entire evening.” A long groan escapes from the team. I’m assuming they’ve had to pull all-nighters as I have at some point in their training. It’s as dreadful as it sounds.

“Come on, Sergeant, we all know it’s going to be Bones and Bunny. Let’s just skip the team bonding portion and make them do the watch tonight,” Jefferson says breezily as he stretches his arms behind his head. Ian nods at his side, which earns him a glare from Eren.

“If I hear any more complaining, I’ll have everyone on watch tonight,” Eren threatens. His dark blue eyes shift back to me and soften. “I’ve marked your maps. I’ll see you soldiers before nightfall.”

God almighty. This could not have been a worse scenario for a worse pairing. Bradshaw’s already rolled his eyes at me over ten times and I’ve withheld at least forty swear words.

I may have underestimated my patience.

“Can’t you climb faster?” Bradshaw snipes at me as I’m hauling myself over a ten-foot-tall ledge. My gloved fingertips sting and the sweat running down my spine is making me more agitated by the second.

“Shut the fuck up,” I retort between gnashed teeth. With one last pull I finally manage to drag myself over the lip of the edge. I collapse against the ground and stare up at the sky. Pine trees crowd the space above. Then his face appears and I scowl. His eyes are impassive, brows pulled tightly together and his frown is evident beneath the mask.

I hate this man more than insects.

“Get up, Bunny. We should be a klick further than we are.” He fists my vest and yanks me up the remaining few feet, then sets me down hard. I smack his hand away and glare. He gives me a curious raise of his brow, nearing amusement.

“Don’t touch me, asshole,” I snap as I stand and stalk past him. “I’m not the one who couldn’t fit between the two fallen trees and had to walk an extra five minutes around the riverbank.”

He doesn’t respond, but I can feel his loathing gaze boring into the back of my head. I pull out the map Eren marked for us and go over the details once more. We already passed through the meadow and river. We still have at least five klicks before we reach the marked position and most of it is up this fucking mountain side.

I shove the map back into my vest pocket and take a deep breath to recenter myself. What would Jenkins say to me right now? I focus on the swaying pine boughs ahead as birds land on the thinner branches and chatter without concern for the rest of world. Jenkins would probably tell me that if I can’t conquer my emotions, then I need to empty my mind. Let the stress and heavy things go. I can almost hear his laugh against the shell of my ear, his labored breathing when he carried fallen comrades through mud. “When you let go of your thoughts, you can do anything, Gallows.”

I shut my eyes and even his scent still lingers around me. A cold breeze in a storm. Snapped branches and sap.

A chill shudders across my spine and I turn, finding Bradshaw’s cold, icy eyes set on me. Then dread grows in my chest. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have Jenkins back. To have him behind me, tracing the lines of my face with his gaze. Cherishing every piece of my soul like no one ever has before. He saw darkness in me and held out a hand to lead me further into the shadows.

“What’s wrong?” Bradshaw asks, surprisingly not as sharp as he usually speaks to me.

I come to a halt and stare at him for a moment. He observes me in equal silence, awaiting my response. “Sometimes I still hear them. Sometimes… I think if I turn around, they’ll still be here.” My lips are chapped and the words taste bitter.

Bradshaw’s eyes dull with understanding. He takes a step closer to me before lifting his hand to my face. I flinch at the near contact of his palm against my skin, but he stops himself. A flash of horror flickers through his eyes as he seems to realize that he was about to comfort me. He withdraws his hand and clears his throat.All text © NôvelD(r)a'ma.Org.

“Sometimes I dream of them,” he confides, turning his face away from mine. He takes the lead and I follow behind. “Other times I see them in strangers, small things. The way a smile grows or a quirk I thought was only unique to them.”

I consider his words before muttering, “Is that why you’re so angry when you look at me?” He walks for a few moments in silence before curtly nodding.

“You have traits that should only belong to one person.” His voice is callous and raw.

“Who have I stolen from you?” Please don’t let it be his last second. When he doesn’t respond, I swallow the knot in my throat and mutter, “Abrahm.”

He stops like a rock thrown in mud and turns on his heels, fury racing through him. “Don’t say his name. You never knew him.” His shoulders stiffen. I can see it in his eyes. He loved Abrahm as much as I did Jenkins. The pain reflected in his eyes is a mirror of my own misery.

“I can’t help how I am, Bradshaw. As you said, I didn’t know him. The similarities you see are only in your head.” He doesn’t look at all satisfied with my words. “I just want to get along.” I extend my hand out to him, hopeful that he’ll take it.

Bradshaw’s jaw muscles feather and he smacks my hand down. “Let’s get moving, Bunny.”

Asshole.

I let my mind drift as I watch Bradshaw’s frame navigate the uneven terrain. The rocks and trees prove to be difficult and the thick underbrush is relentless. I’m relieved our boots can handle any kind of conditions.

That relief is short-lived when we come upon the last obstacle: another ten-foot, sheer-faced cliffside. My heart drops. There’s no chance of climbing this one. At least the last cliff had rocks to use as leverage. This one is made of flat-faced stones that jut up from the earth. Bradshaw and I share a look. One of us will have to lift the other.

Goddammit.

“I’ll have to go up first.” Bradshaw smooths his hand over the back of his neck as he inspects the cliff. “You can’t pull my body weight up,” he says, then looks down at me like he’s making a point.

I scowl. “I can pull you up.”

He shakes his head. “I’m going first.” His arms are crossed and his lips are flat with finality. There’s no sense in arguing it, I guess. With an exasperated breath I lean down and cup both hands together.

Bradshaw gets a few steps of a head start before I lever him up. He grips the edge of the cliff and maneuvers himself over the side. I stare up at the ledge, waiting for him to peer down at me and help me up but his head doesn’t appear.

“What are you doing up there?” I shout.

His masked face appears over the edge and when he doesn’t lean down to help me up, an unsettling feeling fills my chest.

“You’re wasting time. Come on, help me up.” I back up and run at the cliffside, jumping and kicking off the wall while reaching. Bradshaw doesn’t offer me his hand.

I fall to the ground, the force knocking the breath from my lungs. I stare up at him in disbelief.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

His mask pulls up where his smile is growing. “Bye-bye, Bunny.”

“You realize we’ll both lose this bonding exercise and be forced to stay up all night, right?” I say as vehemently as I can. Emotions grip at my chest; it’s really fucking hard to disregard the things I’ve gone through in the last two days.

He lifts his shoulders, letting them fall as he waves like an asshole. “I’ll just tell them you couldn’t make it over the hill. You’d be a hindrance in the field. Just give up.” My jaw trembles and my fingers curl into the dirt.

I want to scream.

Maybe I can be assigned to the Hades squad. Anyone else’s second other than this monster’s. But this is the only chance I have to avenge Jenkins. I watch as the top of Bradshaw’s head disappears and his steps grow distant. Eren’s going to think I’m not good enough if I’m stuck behind this obstacle. He’ll believe his brother no matter what I say.

I look to the sky, the sun beginning its descent toward the distant mountains. There’s still time.

“Goddammit,” I whisper as I push myself up to my feet.

After assessing the cliff, I come to the conclusion that there’s no way I can clear it myself. The rock face is too sheer. Okay, what else can I use? I look around and see that the cliff extends far to each side. No good. I inspect the trees lingering nearby. One pine tree is larger than the rest; it has a thick trunk and the first branch is long and wide, stretching out over the edge of the cliff.

That’s my only option.

It takes a few tries of losing my grip around the tree and falling on my ass, but I finally reach the branch and wrap my body around it. I’m going to wring Bradshaw’s fucking neck when I get my hands on him. Thoughts of harming him fuel my hate-fire as I shimmy across the prickly branch. I ignore the splinters embedding in my thighs. It takes a great deal of effort to not look down.

I should cut off his dick. Break his lovely nose. What I would do to make him cry.

A smug, self-indulgent grin spreads over my lips at those diabolical thoughts. He deserves so much worse.

I finally reach the end of the branch and dare a glance down. The bough doesn’t quite reach as far over the ledge as I was hoping it would. I’ll have to swing. Shit. I’m easily twenty feet up and a fall from this height would probably break something. I draw in a deep, centering breath and slowly lower myself, clinging to the branch with trembling hands. Pumping my legs at the same time, I swing my body until there’s enough momentum to get myself over the ledge.

I hold my breath as I let go. Then I’m falling like a downed bird. I extend my arms in case my feet don’t catch the edge. The soles of my boots clip the gravel and for a brief, stupid moment I think I’ve done it. Then the earth gives out beneath me and my knees slam against the hardscape. A grunt escapes my throat as my chest hits the ground. I scramble to grip anything before sliding off the side and somehow manage to dig my fingertips into the dirt.

I wriggle myself up onto the plateau and splay out on my back. My heart hammers against my chest and all I can think of is beating the shit out of Bradshaw.

I fucking did it.

A laugh bubbles up from my chest and I lie here for several minutes until the shaking in my limbs ceases. I stand up and brush off my pants, wincing at the sting from my knees hitting the cliffside. Red smudges form beneath my uniform, but it’s mostly hidden by the black color of the fabric, so I choose to ignore it until I can bandage it up later.

The sun is moving fast, casting its fading colors across the sky like orange strokes of paint. I run the remaining miles and finally catch up to Bradshaw by the time we’re coming up to the marked point. His cocky stride is relaxed, making me angrier that he’s without a care in the world.

I fist a rock the size of my palm and a wicked smile staves off the pain throbbing through my body as I get ready to deck him with it.

“Hey, asshole!” I shout as I baseball-pitch the rock at him. He turns, clearly startled. The rock strikes his helmet and tilts his head. I burst into laughter before adding: “Fuck you!”

Bradshaw stares at me hollowly, like something’s been unplugged from his brain and an itch has formed. “You fucking brat.”

My teeth burn with hatred but I’m still laughing. “Oh, great comeback, are you five?”

He charges at me, without warning or any sound. My instincts flare into a sharp scream. I dart to the side and sprint as fast as I can to evade him. His hands reach out and he snags one of my thigh pockets. I turn and land a backhanded punch to the side of his face. He grunts but doesn’t let me go. He grips my braid and pulls my head back. We fall to the dirt together, wrestling like our lives depend on it.

“You make me sick.” His voice drips with loathing. He pins my arm behind my back and I already know he’s going to win this fight. My breath is too uneven and he has me pinned like an animal. I hold in the cry that swells in my throat. He twists my wrist and sets his knee on it. My face is planted against the earth and his weight spreads agonizingly over my spine.

“You’re the only repulsive thing here,” I say as scathingly as I can.

He mulls that over. “I’m not asking nicely again, Bunny. I want you off the squad. Fucking quit.” There’s nothing more I want than that too, buddy. I try to wriggle free but he only firms his grip on my wrist, forcing a cry from my lips. “You’ll never have a place here with us. The only good Riøt soldier is a dead one. And I can make arrangements for that, Bun. Fucking try me.”

My jaw trembles and my willpower to fight diminishes on a shuddering breath. Spit and blood bubble on the ground around my cheek. He settles his hips over my torso as my shoulders go lax and loosens his hold on my wrist.

Bradshaw leans forward until his hot mask coasts the shell of my ear. “If I really wanted to kill you, my blade would be buried in your back right now. You can’t compete in close combat. You can’t protect yourself. What if you were fighting an enemy soldier and they realized you’re pretty and took you back to their base? You know what happens then?” My gut twists. Of course I know. Everyone knows. “Just leave. None of us want you here.”

“Because I’m from Riøt,” I bite out, glaring up at him with venom in my eyes.

“Because I don’t trust you. I will never trust you.”

He stares down at me with disdain and once he’s sure I get the message he finally relents. He lets me go and pushes himself up, leaving me in the dirt as he walks ahead. I remain in the dust, breathing hard, unmoving, and thinking of anything more tragic than the predicament I’ve found myself in.

“Soldiers don’t cry.” Jenkins’s voice hums in my memory. His warm hands had spread over my shoulders. “If you give up, you die.”

Tears silently stream over the bridge of my nose. The sky grows dark as the sun sets. Footsteps approach but I can’t find the will to sit up.

“Nell.” Eren’s voice is gentle and sympathetic as he kneels beside me. Dread sifts through me and my head aches. I force myself up. Dirt and blood cling to my skin and smears as I drag my sleeve across my face. His eyes soften and he raises his hand to my cheek, rubbing his thumb over the remaining grains turned red from my bloody lip. “Long day?”

I give him a dry, callous laugh. “You could say that.”

Eren shifts to sit beside me, lowering to my level. He’s so beautiful and lovely. His face is untouched by scars the way Bradshaw’s is. Yet with his unmarked beauty, it lacks the characteristics and journey that his brother’s hold.

“I hate to tell you this, but you two are on the night watch,” Eren says with a bit of sarcasm to lighten the mood.

“Yeah, I figured.”

“Do you want me to stay up with you guys? I know he’s been… difficult.”

“That’s an understatement.”

Eren chuckles. “I don’t think he hates you as much as he lets on. He’s been reluctant to have anyone replace Abrahm, but none of them want—” he cuts himself off.

“A Riøt soldier.” I finish it for him, staring out into the dark woods.

He sighs and nods. “Yeah.”

I raise a brow and ask, “Is that why the Malum Squad hasn’t been sent out on a mission for so long?” He nods, his frown creasing his perfect face.

“Partly. But the main reason for the sudden push to get us back out there is because this mission is very, very important. Which is why—” he pauses again and meets my gaze. God, his kindness is getting annoying because he’s making me finish his sentences.

“I was assigned.”

He nods.

“I’m not giving up.” My mouth is dry. There’s no way I’m not going on this mission. It’s the only chance I have to get justice for my squad. For Jenkins.

Eren’s forlorn expression deepens. “I truly believe it’s because he doesn’t want what happened to Abrahm to happen to you. Not just because you’re from a bad squad.”

A bad squad. My chest deflates.

I shake my head and sigh. “Yeah, sure.”

He lets the quiet air remain between us, then mutters, “Shall we get going?”

I follow him to the Humvee waiting at the checkpoint and endure the glares the rest of the squad throw at me on the drive back to the base and over dinner. I don’t bother bandaging or looking at my injured knees. The pain is a dull throb, but at least it gives me something to focus on other than the disdain surrounding me.