Leave Me Behind

When I get back to the tent, Bradshaw has already wiped the floor and arranged everything back to how it was. There is no sign of our wrongdoings anywhere.

He’s lying on the cot where Eren left him, staring at the tarp roof. It reminds me that he may have heard what I said earlier around the campfire.

“Did you hear what I told the others earlier?” I ask in a hushed voice.

He hesitates, then slowly nods. It doesn’t seem fair that he heard my story but I’ve yet to hear his. I think about it for a long while as I settle on the cot beside him and look at the same spot he does.

I must fall asleep at some point, because I’m nuzzled awake by a warm hand cupping my wounded side and a finger brushing the crook of my neck, where the collarbone greets the jugular muscle. It’s soft and soothing. For a moment I forget where I am. Who I am. Then I see Bradshaw’s weary eyes; the skin around them is red with restlessness.

A weary man finding comfort in holding me while I sleep. He’s too callous to do it when I’m awake. I know he has a heart that yearns for another.

He studies me in that cold way of his before he pulls away, seeming troubled that I woke to his soft touch. The warmth of his hand on my side fades. Bradshaw turns and faces the other side of the tent. I wonder how long he watched me sleep. Then again, I don’t think I want to know the answer to that.

My core is sore and throbs with pain. I wince as I sit up.

I check my watch and it’s already twenty minutes past my normal night watch shift. Eren said not to worry about it, but I decide I’d rather sit out there with him than risk having a heart-to-heart with Bradshaw. I snag a pair of extra pants from a bag in the corner since Bradshaw cut through mine. Hopefully no one misses them.

Bradshaw doesn’t look back at me as I get up to leave. His shoulders are slumped and he hangs his head. I wonder briefly what could be keeping him up; he’s looked tired all day.

The tent zipper is quiet and I’m able to sneak through the camp without waking anyone. Eren sits with his legs lazily stretched out and his back against the tree we designated as the watch post. He hears me coming but doesn’t bother turning to see who it is. He only lifts his hand in a half-assed wave.

I sit silently beside him, not particularly expecting to have a conversation, but his soft voice is always welcoming.

“Bunny.”

“Sergeant.”

His lip kicks up in a wry grin. I marvel at how strange it is. How un-Bradshaw it is.

“You can call me Eren in private, Nell.” He leans forward and sets his elbows on his knees. “We are a bit past formalities.”

I nod and return the smile. We sit in silence for a couple of minutes before he shifts his posture and looks at me more directly.

“Thanks for staying with him until he relaxed. He’s always calmer when you’re around,” he says genuinely. Eren holds his gun casually, slumped in his lap as he rests his head against the tree behind him.

That almost makes me choke. If only he knew what transpired in that fucking tent. It wasn’t calm. It wasn’t relaxed.

“We don’t really mesh. I think he’ll hate me until one of us dies.” I scowl at Eren’s amused expression. The night air is brisk and sends a shudder down my spine. I wrap my arms around myself and he takes notice.

Eren scoots over smoothly and presses his side against mine. My cheeks warm. He says in a low voice, “You know, Abrahm used to complain about Bones hating him as well.”

I lift my chin, a bit shocked. “Seriously?”

Eren nods. “He has thorns.”

“No kidding.”

A sharp laugh. “You do too, though. And I’m sure that’s one of the reasons why you two clash so much. Yet, I’ve never seen two people work so fluidly together. Completely in sync.” His dark blue eyes shift back to me and he pokes my forehead with his index finger. I blink like an idiot because the notion surprises me. “I’ve also never met such a deadly sniper. You’ve got quite the aim and trigger finger, don’t you?”

I swallow before muttering, “They say I’m the least hesitant shot there is.”

“Yes, so I’ve heard.” His voice is dull. Thoughtful.

“That’s why I was reassigned to Malum. To be useful.”

Eren’s smile fades. “Yeah.” His eyes lose their playfulness and he stares at me solemnly for a beat. “Tell me something about you that isn’t military related.” He changes the subject sharply.

I open my mouth to respond but find my mind empty. Something that isn’t military. That’s all I am. Eren’s brows furrow and he sighs.

“You think of yourself as only some war machine, Nell. But you’re a person first. A weapon second. Would it help if I started?” He nudges me and I nod with a slight lift of my shoulder.

He’s wrong; I’m a weapon first.

He chuckles before smiling and turning his attention to the few stars we can see from beneath the trees. At least the mountains make the world quiet and dark. “I always wanted to be an astronomer. The universe is fascinating and holds many unknowns. I wanted to know all of the constellations and the galaxies beyond galaxies. I wanted the world.”

My breath catches in my chest. “You? An astronomer?” It seems laughable, because Eren is nothing but muscle and beauty. He looks to have been born for his current predicament. He certainly has the emotional off-switch for it.

He laughs. “I know. I’m nowhere smart enough to be one either, but I dreamt it once upon a time.” His voice curls around me and breaks down a few walls I had firmly cemented up.

I let my gaze fall to my hands. What did I want to be? Do I even remember? That seems like a few lifetimes ago and after the life I’ve lived and all the things I’ve taken… anything I once wanted to be seems so senseless now. My perception of the world has changed. But, yes, I suppose there was one thing that I dreamt of once.

“I wanted to own a small coffee shop. I’d sell books there too.” A smile stretches over my face as I remember my whimsical vision. I was fourteen and still somewhat normal. “The one I dreamt of was a sort of townhouse, stones on the exterior like you read about in fairy books. I would live on the second story of it. In the morning my husband would go downstairs and start early, brewing coffee until the bitter scent would wake me and I’d wrap myself in a robe and tiptoe downstairs to hug him tight. We’d read and open the shop at nine and then close at three. Spend the rest of the day gardening, exploring, or—” I once dreamt of a family, but I decide to avoid that. “Or just enjoying the afternoons together.”

I realize I rambled and look up to see if Eren has lost interest, but it’s the opposite. His eyes are intense and heartfelt. A shadow of a grin tugs at the corner of his lips.

“That sounds a hell of a lot better than being a fucking astronomer.” His shoulders shake with his laughter. “Why didn’t you pursue the coffee shop? How did you end up… well, here?”

That’s a loaded question. I’m sure he’s read my file four times over and knows exactly how. He just wants to hear me say it. But unlike with Ian, I’ll tell Eren.

“Because real life isn’t made of fairytales and sugar drops.”

Eren stares at me patiently, waiting for the real story. I sigh.

“I discovered I was a good shot when my father took me hunting at a young age. We were really poor and had to hunt for most of our food. I watched the lights go out of that deer and it was then that I realized how disturbed I truly was. How thoroughly I enjoyed killing things. It was the only thing I was good at.”

His face is blank. As I thought. He knew.

“My parents were murdered when I was fifteen. It was a home invasion in the dead of winter. The men woke me up and tied me to a chair. They were after my dad for something he stole from them. We didn’t have much and anything he took was likely to keep us fed. I watched them beat him until he was unrecognizable. Until he was dead. Then I watched as they raped my mom. They put a bullet through her head when they were done and then I was next.”

I let the words trail and the hush of the forest around us stirs with the breeze. Eren stares into the dark, listening with a set jaw.

“They thought I was pretty. They thought they could take me with them since I was young. They were fucking stupid.” Eren’s eyes shift to me, his face stone. “The second I was untied I tore a man’s throat open with my bare hands. If you know the soft spots of the body, it’s easy, almost designed that way. I shot the second one in the face three times. The third man I hunted through our woods. I made him beg before I cut his innards out and shoved snow inside him while he seized. I wanted him to feel the cold. The cold I always felt inside. I should’ve shoved his guts in his mouth instead.”ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .

Eren stares at me, a distinct sorrow in his gaze.

“You already knew that, though—what I did for the dark forces to collect me—so why did you ask?” I level him an appraising gaze.

He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I wanted to see if you’d lie. You can tell a lot about someone that way.”

I narrow my eyes at him. A bit calculating for the cheerful sergeant.

“I think the worst part was that I liked it,” I mutter to see what his features will betray.

“Fuck… you really are like Bones. He’s a monster too.” Eren’s voice is low and more withheld, but his eyes don’t falter.

I try to picture how the two of them looked as children—one normal and one insane. How the two of them ended up here like me. Because no one gets into the dark forces faction without a fucked up past.

So what did Eren do to get here?

My response is callous. “What we do in the dark forces requires people like us. We’re easy to throw away once the job is done.”